FEMOSPHERE

When I was in high school I had a supervisor ask me what I thought about a moral subject and I was not completely honest with them. I was strong in my beliefs on this topic, but for some reason I couldn’t defend it in person. My anxiety was too much.

I thought about that conversation for weeks. It ate at me that I didn’t say what I wanted to say, that I didn’t defend what I believed in. I came to them a few weeks later and brought up that conversation and told them I hadn’t been totally honest. This was nerve wracking, but at the end of the day, I was proud that I came out with the truth, regardless of how long it took.

On that day I decided that I will always tell the truth, say what I want to say. My life changed that day for the better, and since then I’ve learnt some very important things about being confrontational.

Know Your Values

It’s incredibly important to know your values. You should have an understanding of what you believe about the world and why you believe it. This is important for your sense of identity, and becoming more confrontational can sometimes feel arbitrary without that understanding. If you don’t know what you believe, it will be hard to have the right words to say. If something or someone offends you, it can be helpful to understand why you have that reaction.

Sometimes it’s because the person who offended me spoke against something I believe in, sometimes they disrespected me or someone I love, but occasionally the offence that I take is because the problem they’ve shared is one I need to work on.

Self-Awareness is Key

For example, if I have a bad habit of being late and a friend goes off on a tangent about how they hate waiting for people and how being late is incredibly rude, my flesh immediately takes offense and wants to defend whoever has been late.

When I’m self-aware and remember I’ve been late many times before, I recognize that the irritated reaction I have to my friend’s words is because easily the same complaint could be charged against me. And those who don’t know how to communicate often express their disapproval through passive aggressive or unspecific comments.

If I had an issue with a friend and didn’t know how to communicate, I would indirectly call them out then act like I had no idea what I’d just said applied to them, hoping they’d get the message.

While many take this approach to communication it is better to confront the issue kindly and head-on.

Know When to Respond

You have to practice discernment in knowing when to respond. Taylor Swift has a lyric that I think of very often: “Bend when you can, snap when you have to.” You should try to be flexible with people, and understanding of the problems they’re going through.

When choosing how to respond to someone I consider the precedence they’ve set. Let me give you a few examples.

I have a friend who is usually very bubbly and cheery. She’s an absolute delight to be around, but on this particular day she was venting to me and I told her she should try to get more sleep and it might help fix the problem. She snapped at me in her response and walked away. I knew from my friendship with her that it was very out of her character, I knew that she was going through some things which probably led to her rude response to me. I also knew that I had misjudged the situation as she didn’t want advice in that moment, but rather support. So, instead of being confrontational in this situation, I apologized for giving unsolicited advice and gave her my sympathies.

Here’s another example:

I have a coworker who loves to be passive aggressive, make short snobby comments, and procrastinate doing their job to the point where it interferes with how I do mine. I choose my battles with him, in that, I will not address his quick and complaining comments. If I responded to every one, we would be going back and forth all day. Instead, I choose to respond only when he has disrespected me to my face. I rarely have to address him like this because he knows that when he blatantly insults or disrespects me I will immediately address it.

Know Who to Respond to

Some people are truly not worth your time. Some people’s presence in your life is so fleeting that it’s not even worth correcting and it’s best to remove yourself from the situation altogether.

If someone at the grocery store insults me, I might give a quick response to shut them down, but I’m not going to give a response that invites more. Most people who insist on insulting you want a response, they want attention from you so badly, they don’t care if it’s negative.

The people who you have to deal with and those who you want to deal with, it’s more worthwhile to confront them rather than people who have vendetta against you. Those who insist and persist on insulting you won’t stop with a confrontation; they will feed on it.

Choose Your Battles

People who are comfortable with disrespecting others to their face often do not expect a response but when they do get one, they are shocked and quickly learn who will not tolerate it. This is why it is important to choose your battles.

You do not want to come across as a person who fights with every complaint, every sign of passive aggression. You want to respond when you or your values are insulted directly. This is also why I do not address passive aggression, of course I know what they’re doing, but it’s not worth calling it out only for them to pretend they don’t know what I’m talking about. I would rather wait for them to address me directly so I can confront them head-on.

Mostly, I confront people when they insult or disrespect me or people I care about. This includes petty gossip.

I confront when someone insults what I believe in front of me. For example, if someone makes fun of a religious belief I happen to hold, I will quickly defend that person in one to two sentences.

I confront someone when they make moral statements that I don’t agree with. This one is more relaxed, instead of saying “I think you’re wrong and here’s why,” I will simply ask them leading questions about what they just said. They usually get flustered because they hadn’t really considered that point-of-view before. I really try hard to handle those conversations with grace to not appear like an attack-dog. Of course, if whatever they just said was egregious I don’t hesitate to say, “I don’t agree with that.”

These are important to me, they’re matters of principle. I know that if I don’t address the disrespect right then, I will be disappointed in myself. Being a Christian, I know that if I’m not defending what I believe I will feel convicted and I will regret it. You need to find what is important to you to know what you should respond to.

Stay Calm

I try to avoid unloading on someone when I confront them. Like the coworker I mentioned above, when I respond I don’t go off on a tangent and say “AND I know you talked to X about me, and you took so long on your project it delayed mine because you’re lazy, so don’t talk to me about my progress when you can’t even do your own work!”

I try my best to avoid looking overly emotional or critical, I also do my best to avoid insulting someone, especially in the workplace. I only handle the topic at hand in that moment.

Being a woman, when you assert yourself and make it clear you won’t be disrespected, many men like to accuse of being emotional- which only makes me angrier. We have to try extra hard to come across as rational, calm, and calculated. When you get into a verbal altercation with a man, chances are you’re a little intimidated and upset and if you get flustered or emotional, they will try to spin the situation as just an emotional woman.

This is why it’s so important to be above-reproach in how you handle confrontation, especially in the workplace. I want to know that if anyone overheard our conversation that I would be confident in what I’m saying. You have to keep a calm face and an even tone. In some situations, it’s best to not even be accusatory. Simply address the situation at hand, don’t lump in the past, don’t give insults just very straightforward.

This is also why it’s important to respond immediately. If you come back a few days later with an accusation, most people will try to pretend it didn’t happen like that and you’re remembering it wrong. And while you both know what really happened, they’ll be satisfied that they can deflect and make you look stupid. Be direct the first time.

Getting Over the Anxiety

Here’s the truth: you won’t get over the anxiety, or if you do, it will take a very long time.

You know that feeling you get in your chest when you confront someone? That aching, pounding in your heart? Here’s a secret, I feel that too. Confrontational people feel that too, but they choose to do it anyway.

You have to notice that feeling, accept it, and choose to stand by yourself, your values, your beliefs anyway. Because if you don’t you still get that feeling, and you also get to know that you didn’t respond when you should’ve.

I wrote an article a few weeks back about self-confidence, the summary: you can’t have confidence in something if you’ve never done it before. The first time you do this, you will be terrified. The second time you’ll be terrified. The third time you’ll be terrified, but you’ll be deeply proud because you’ve done it before and you know you can do it again.

I feel most proud of myself when I defend myself, others, and my beliefs. I know that even though that anxiety was biting, overwhelming, I stood behind my values anyway. The pride that comes from that enables you to keep defending yourself and others when it’s necessary.

I’ve been taking this direct response tactic for three years now, and I still get that nervousness in my chest, even when I know I’m right. But that feeling, it goes away, the rewarding feeling of having defended myself, that doesn’t go away.