FEMOSPHERE

Most of us have been in situations where we become obsessed with a certain guy. We’ve spent hours pining, wishing he would text, crafting the perfect message and response, posting on social media and checking constantly to see if he’s viewed it. The truth is, whether we’ve received the attention we want or not, we feel lacking after. We know when we’re not respecting ourselves, or our time, and feeling desperate is a terrible feeling to live with.

Abundance Mindset

How you speak to yourself matters. Abundance mindset is a philosophy which states that there are enough resources in the world for everyone. Money, food, energy. People who function under abundance mindset are not limiting themselves or settling.

For example, walking around saying “There’s no good guys left! All men are terrible,” is limiting your beliefs around men. When you say this, you’re saying to yourself “I will never get a good man.” This is the energy you put into the world, you begin to internalize this message and it affects how you see all men and your ability to make good decisions regarding dating.

Instead, you could say “I know there are good men left and I will meet him one day.” This takes the pressure off of right now, giving you the gift of time. You don’t learn to look at men through a negative lens, but take them as they come, seeing clearly.

Furthermore, in the journey to become less desperate you have to accept that because a boyfriend or love interest didn’t work out does not mean they are a bad person or crazy. They didn’t work out because they weren’t meant for you. Being stuck on an ex, overanalyzing the relationship thinking of what you could’ve done, any time spent gossiping or stalking them, it’s all wasted. Do the serious mental work to free yourself of whatever feelings might have been left over or any related trauma.

Removing Barriers

I have an analogy for you. You and every other person in the world has their own field. Everyone has a different idea of what they’d like to grow within their field, some wheat, some flowers, some corn. Before we can start planting, we have to tend the field. We have to put on gloves and remove the brambles and rocks and boulders. When we start planting, we don’t have to have it all finished, but it needs to be workable. The rocks represent traumas. Before we start building the life we want to live, we have to remove the biggest boulders, barriers, that we face.

This does not mean we need to limit ourselves, waiting to be perfect before we find a partner. In fact, human connection can be a great way to heal certain traumas. Rather, it means we need to be doing the work on ourselves now, instead of waiting for the perfect time, perfect partner, a knight in shining armor.

What are your traumas? What are your barriers to relationships? What are your biggest problems today? Are they symptoms of trauma? Ask these questions. Work hard at developing a keen sense of self-awareness. Seek help, find ways to self-soothe.

It Starts With You

Be the type of woman the type of guy you would want to marry, would want to marry. A lot of us have a view of love as someone accepting you as you are, when in reality sometimes love is tough love. Little disclaimer, if a man is trying to “fix you” and is always critiquing everything you do, run. Identify what you want in a man.

What does he look like? Does he take good care of himself?

What does he do on the weekends? Golf? Volunteer? Work a side hustle? Go to church?

Is he disciplined? Is he smart? Is he funny?

The character traits you’re expecting in a man, needs to be what you expect of yourself.

Now, if you’re looking for a traditional relationship, understand men and women have different roles and expectations. However, if you’re expecting a man who is disciplined, smart, financially smart, physically fit, that should be the goal for you as well.

Standards

It’s important to have and hold your standards. Think of the above list of characteristics you’re looking for. Sort them in two groups of negotiable and non-negotiable. Think of what truly matters to you.

Anything that inhibits your ability to respect him should be non-negotiable. For example, I would have a hard time respecting a man who looks for attention from women. When I first met my now husband, I watched how he interacted with women. Does he check them out when they walk by? Does he follow inappropriate Instagram accounts? Does he laugh at sexually charged, degrading jokes? The answer for my husband was no, and I knew that I would never be able to respect a man who did such things.

Character issues should always be heavily examined. If you can’t be proud of him, you should reconsider the relationship. Character issues should be non-negotiable. He should be reliable and treat you well, that’s the bare minimum.

There are other standards that some women have, that are a little unrealistic. Some women forget, he’s really just a man. Of course, your expectations are to your discretion, but some simply aren’t wise. For example, maybe on your list you have “drives a nice car.” If you met a man who checked every box, you find him attractive, he has amazing character, treats you like a princess but drives a Mazda, would you reject him?

Maybe a nice car really is that important to you, but I would implore you to not only look at the brand or type, but at how he cares for it. This is only an example but can be applied to every standard you have.

Decide what you can’t live without and hold that with a death grip. Decide what’s important to you, but not essential and hold that loosely if your non-negotiables are met.

I can go on, and on, about this topic. Female relationships, hypergamy, high-value dating, it’s become unnecessarily inflammatory within the media, but no one is constructively talking about making it work for you. Comment below if you’ve experienced being desperate and how you’ve been able to move on.