FEMOSPHERE

To that I say- grow up! Have you ever said, or thought, “I shouldn’t have to tell him what to do, he should just know!” I think we’ve all been there at some point.

When we feel like our husbands aren’t showing us love in the way we would like it expressed, we get frustrated and tell ourselves that he should “just know” exactly what we want. This way of thinking is immature and will not get our husbands to act how we would like them to act, especially if you say this phrase to his face.

What I am writing applies to wives who are married to a man they believe has their best interests at heart and is intelligent in some way. Of course, there are men who will give you the bare minimum and find joy in withholding love from you, but that is not the situation I am writing about. I am writing only to married women who are married to good men. Of course, men should know how to treat a woman with respect and care. That needs to be a prerequisite for marriage. I am not writing about showing respect, I am writing about the various ways that you want your husband to express his love for you.

Firstly, you cannot expect your husband to be a mind reader. He cannot know exactly what you want from him without you telling him. If you are desiring and expecting flowers once a week, you need to tell him. If you want him to order you a side of fries but you don’t want to ask, don’t be disappointed when you don’t get them. If you want a certain gift for your birthday or anniversary, you need to tell him! Do not say “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything!” or “I’ll be happy with whatever you get me,” then be disappointed because you were holding out for something specific that he doesn’t even know you want.

Imagine if you asked your husband what he wanted for dinner and he says, “whatever you want, it’s up to you!” Then when you hand him dinner several hours later, he complains, “I don’t want this!”

That would be a total slap in the face! You would feel so insulted and disrespected. Now imagine how he feels when you get disappointed that he isn’t doing something that you haven’t even told him you’d like him to do.

Men aren’t mind readers, most of them I wouldn’t even consider intuitive. Express your desires.

Secondly, consider his background. Maybe you want love and consideration to be expressed in a certain way. Has he ever seen that behavior modeled?

It is incredibly hard to behave in a way that you’ve never seen modeled. Was his father kind to his mother? Were his mom and dad expressive with their love? Are divorce and unhappy marriages prominent in his family? Does he have a group of guy friends that are strong, steadfast, loyal and loving towards their wives or girlfriends? If not, maybe the issue is not a lack of desire but a not knowing how to put emotion into action.

These are not excuses but they may explain why he doesn’t express love in a certain way. Of course, I believe if a man truly wants to do something, he will do it. But not having examples in a certain area can be a huge hindrance.

Tell your husband how you’d like to be loved, show him how you’d like to be loved. Do not nag, just tell him.

Lastly, “he should just know,” is silly because it means he doesn’t know. If you’re saying this to yourself then it means your husband doesn’t know. Are you going to live in reality or are you going to live in “should?”

Are we going to sit around and bemoan the fact that he “should already know” or are we going to take action towards the type of love we want to have?

We can sit around and complain all day, or we can kindly let our husbands know the realistic ways that they can help us feel loved.

Additionally, when you are placing these loving acts into a “should” or obligatory category you are less likely to be receptive. Being thankful, gracious, and receptive when your husband something kind is ‘essential in marriage. It means less when he does something kind because he “should” do it or because you nag him to do it.

A lot of women resist telling their husbands what they want because it is “less romantic.” We need to start seeing communication as romantic. You are showing your husband love when you are clear about what you desire. When you’re kind but direct, he doesn’t have to spend energy playing the guessing game. Instead, he can put that energy back into the relationship.

Again, this is written for wives who are married to men who truly have their best interests at heart. Does he know exactly what you want but he still won’t give it to you? If so, consider why that may be.

Is there anything causing stress in your relationship? Is someone holding on to resentment? Is there an issue that needs to be addressed? Is love being fostered between you on a daily basis? Answering these questions may provide insight on why your husband is withdrawing from you.

Men love to achieve. Men love solving problems. Men love showing that they are strong and capable. Kindly tell him the problem and kindly tell him how to fix it. You will both be better for it.