FEMOSPHERE

Modern dating is a disaster. Modern dating was brought about by the sexual revolution, but it is just starting to rear its ugly head. Divorce, single motherhood, fatherless homes, and cohabitation have become extremely common in modern society. Additionally, there has been a rise in ideologies such as the Red Pill and movements such as the 4B movement encourage men and women respectively to opt out of marriage altogether.

Men and women all around the globe are starting to believe that we are better off without each other and that marriage is a scam.

But what about those of us who truly want to love and be loved by a genuine, decent person? What about those of us who desire a partner for life, someone to build with? How are we supposed to tell the difference between genuine people and those who hate the institution of marriage?

The best way to avoid the minefield that is modern dating is to pursue a courtship instead.

What is The Difference Between Courtship and Dating?

Courtship is seen as an antiquated practice, but at this point it is apparent that the more modern alternative, dating, is not working.

To “court” is to pursue a romantic relationship with a common goal in mind, marriage. Courting and dating are both ways to pursue a romantic relationship, but courting is a way to be clear about the goal you’re pursuing.

“Dating” is an ambiguous term. It can be used to refer to various levels of commitment. It can be used to refer to a “situationship,” a series of one-night stands or a relationship on the verge of engagement.

The goal of dating is ill-defined. Is the goal companionship? Marriage? Sex? To build a family? A date to your second cousin’s wedding? Sometimes people are dating and the two disagree about what the purpose is.

Dating is a fun way to pursue companionship. It can be fun to go on a few dates with different people with no commitment. But to what extent should dating be treated frivolously?

Your spouse has a huge effect on the trajectory of your life. They have a huge effect on the quality of your life. Don’t gamble with your life. Pursue intentionality through courtship.

The Benefits of Courtship

The first benefit of courtship is that, from the beginning, both parties are on same page about the goal of the relationship. Courtship necessitates that both parties are serious about wanting a future marriage. I constantly hear stories about women who spends years waiting for a man to propose only to find that the man doesn’t want to be married- or doesn’t even see that as a goal (at least not with her).

I have sympathy for those women. Marriage, kids, and finances are topics that are seen as taboo to talk about “too soon.” Many people are scared to talk to their partners about these topics because they are such serious topics that it conveys that the person is, in some way, committed. This makes talking about marriage or kids awkward in short-term relationships.

This is less of a problem in courtships. People are able to enter courtships with full transparency about where the other party stands with serious topics. This alleviates a lot of pressure. Instead of having to get to know someone, their family, their interests, their political and religious views, and future goals, you have access to where they stand in the beginning. This allows the couple to focus more on other important areas, such as compatibility.

The second benefit of courtship is that the couple remains independent and autonomous, and the merging of lives is a conscious decision. What does this mean? In a courtship, the couple does not behave as though they were married, or like they owe anything to each other beyond common decency and respect. There is no merging of finances or moving in together until the couple is married. The line between dating and married is not blurred.

Not having finances merged or living together allows the couple to make decisions about their partner and trajectory of the relationship in lower stakes. For example, some people do not break up with their incompatible partner because they live together. Breaking up would mean someone needs to take over the lease, someone needs to move out, and on top of the stress of ending a relationship, you need to find a new place to live.

All of this heartache and trouble can be avoided in a courtship because couples remain independent and autonomous until they have decided in full confidence that the person they are courting is their spouse. The decision to move in together, merge finances, and merge lives is made consciously and under the unique protections that marriage offers.

Because you are not obligated financially you can make this huge decision with less bias.

Modern dating blurs the lines between married and single, in courtship both parties make a decision in full confidence to merge their lives together and start building a future together.

The third benefit of courtship is more emotional. Courtship allows both parties to experience one of the most beautiful aspects of marriage: building a life together.

Picture this: you just had a beautiful wedding. You wore a gorgeous dress, your new husband looks handsome with a ring around his finger, and you were surrounded by the people you love. You drive away from your sparkling reception and drive off towards your new future. This is the grand premiere of a new life you’ll build together. Your new husband, your new home, off to enjoy new experiences you’ll share together. This is the only person you’ve lived with, the only person you ever hope to marry, and together you will start fresh.

I advocate for waiting for marriage and for courtship for many reasons, but this is the one I hold closest to my heart. Don’t borrow from your future. Reserve some things as special. Delay gratification now so you can have the fullest experiences in their due time and with the right person.

The last benefit of courtship that I’ll be sharing with you today (there are several more that I could list) is that courtship invites trusted friends and family to be involved in the courtship process.

Traditionally, courtship relies a lot on family involvement. Both parties are encouraged to get to know each other’s families, for better or worse. Whether we like it or not, the family that we come from affects a lot of our habits and worldview. Do your parents and his parents have two different parenting styles? Do they have different approaches to finances? Religion? Cleanliness? Division of domestic labor?

These are all things that you should know going into an engagement. There are a lot of behaviors that we adopt from our parents that we don’t consciously recognize. Being around each other’s families allows us to observe positives and negatives and talk about how we may have been affected by our parents and how we want to run our own households going forward.

This also allows for you to observe the family dynamic. Is his father extremely domineering? Is he unable to defend you around his family? How does his family treat you? Is he a “mamas boy?” This is all very important to know because it not only gives insight to how he will behave, but his character.

Additionally, being involved with trusted friends and family allows an opportunity for others to give us feedback on our relationships. Now, as you read that sentence, I’m sure it brings negative memories to mind. People always feel inclined, especially family, to speak about other people and give unsolicited advice or unwanted criticism. However, when other people are observing your relationship and are invited to give feedback they may surprise you.

You may hear that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are such a great couple, or that his eyes sparkle when he looks at you. Or someone may pull you aside and bring something you never noticed to your attention. Someone might point out that your partner is overly competitive or frequently makes “jokes” at your expense.

When we “fall in love” we overlook certain things. Sometimes we notice a negative- or even dangerous- quality and are tempted to overlook it because we are looking at our partner with rose-colored glasses. You might observe a behavior that concerns you and you need trusted, wise, friends and family who know both of you to say “yes this is an issue” or to put your worries to rest.

In conclusion, choosing your spouse is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. It is a risk, but it needs to be a calculated risk. Courtship allows you to make an informed decision about your future spouse. You choose your partner with full transparency about where each of you stand with your values, morals and future goals. Additionally, over the course of your courtship you’re able to learn about their family and discover if you will be compatible. You are able to walk hand and hand into marriage knowing that this big decision was made in confidence and not due to convenience.