FEMOSPHERE

It has become a trend for street interviewers to approach couples, specifically women, and ask them “What do you bring to the table?”

If you’re like me, there is something really off-putting about this question, but you don’t know exactly why. Some women respond with “I am the table.” It’s worth mentioning that this response is even more uncomfortable. So how should we really respond?

Put a pin in that. Before we address this controversial question, I want to explain a very interesting relationship concept.

Dogs Vs. Cats

Say that I really wanted to adopt a cat. Not just any cat, a beautiful Persian cat. I go to the dog pound and start looking for my new beloved pet. Rows and rows and rows and rows of dogs. Dogs that, quite frankly, I want absolutely nothing to do with.

I don’t ask each dog, “are you a Persian cat?” “Why aren’t you a Persian cat?” “Persian cats are great you should really consider becoming one.” “I wouldn’t adopt anything other than a Persian cat.”

This would be entirely irrational and a waste of time. Not to mention that going to a dog pound, knowing the chances that they will have a cat is extremely low, is also irrational. Another irrational thing to do would be to adopt a little Yorkie knowing it’s a dog when I know I really want a Persian cat. While a Yorkie might be comparable to a Persian cat, they’re both small, cuddly, and friendly, I know that I really don’t want a dog.

In this situation the person who is adopting their new furry friend knows exactly what they want. They at least know what they don’t want. Even if they don’t find what they want at the dog pound, they decide to wait and find their coveted Persian cat instead of picking a random dog because they’re lonely.

The adopter is in the position of buying. It is on the buyer to understand what they would like to buy, the risks and benefits of buying, and what they are willing to give up in order to buy. The pet is in the position of selling, though for this analogy we can all agree that there is very little “selling” that an animal can do.

Are You the Buyer or the Seller?

Courting relationships are unique in that there is possibility to be both a buyer and a seller. You want to select the best partner that you can, while also wanting to have that person also choose you. Unrequited love benefits no one.

Within some relationships, one person may be the buyer and the other the seller. We’ve all seen the desperate young girl who is obviously obsessed with a young man who continually rejects her advances. We’ve also seen the young man who insists on ruining a perfectly good conversation with pitiable put-downs like “I’m so ugly, no girl will ever date me.” These are clear examples of a buyer vs. seller dynamic.

However, in most healthy relationships both parties, man and woman, can take on both roles. This can create a sometimes hard to achieve balance. When only one person is the seller and one is the buyer, it can create a really unhealthy dynamic. This being the case, to even enter the dating scene you should have a good grasp on what type of person you would want. I have another article that loosely addresses standards, linked here, but ultimately it is for you to decide.

As a woman, you should have an understanding of your positive traits, while also understanding the positive traits you need to see in your partner.

You Need Standards

Every woman should have a general standard and vision for their life. These things aren’t cemented and should be held loosely but you should also have things that are non-negotiable. Perhaps traits like loyalty, generosity, strength, faith, politics, and a good sense of humor are really important to you. It’s for you, and only you, to determine what you need from your future husband. And it’s for you, only you, to find the man who meets that criterion.

Applying this, say you know you need a man who is responsible and kind. Yet you’re on a date with a man who is far past middle age and lives with his parents while somehow simultaneously blaming them for everything. You realize that he does not meet your criteria. You should not ask the Yorkie why he’s not a Persian cat. You shouldn’t beg him to turn into a Persian. You shouldn’t spend years waiting for this Yorkie to magically become a Persian. You know that he is not a Persian, so honoring your standards, you should let him be a Yorkie, just not your Yorkie.

This healthy way of dating is only possible if you know and understand what you need and want from your partner. A lot of people waste time because they don’t truly know what they want, they just think they’ll “know it when they see it.” How many movies can you name that are about the “one that got away?” Or about the perfect partner who was there all along but somehow the other party just never knew? Having clear standards saves a lot of time and prevents major heartbreak. It is also extremely important to distinguish the negotiable from the non-negotiable.

This begs the question; can you even know what you want before you start dating? I always intended to only ever have one boyfriend prior to marriage- and I succeeded! A lot of my friends would ask me “how do you know what you want if you don’t start dating to figure it out?” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to establish standards based off of your morals and values. I knew I had to have a man shared my faith, who was hardworking, kind, loyal, and funny.

So, What Do You Bring to the Table?

Going back to the original question, “what do you bring to the table?” Every time I hear a man ask this question, I just feel put-off and somewhat grossed out, but I could never really articulate why.

Here it is: when a man asks, “What do you bring to the table?” he is revealing his hand.

1.) He doesn’t know what he is looking for in a woman, so he expects his lovely date to begin marketing herself, putting himself in the buying position forgetting that he needs to be selling. The natural direction this conversation begins to take is you arguing your worth to him, which is off-putting.

2.) He cannot rely on his own ability to determine if a woman meets his criteria without directly asking her.

3.) He reveals that the relationship might be merely transactional. While it is not wrong to expect some benefit out of the relationship, it is an odd choice to expect immediate benefits without commitment.

It is not that asking this question is wrong, but that it does imply certain things about the person who is asking the subject of the question to answer it for them.

Especially within a traditional relationship, men are expected to handle a lot of the important household decisions. Of course, with input and feedback from their wives. However, as a man you will be making a lot of the tough decisions for your household.

Your wife-to-be wants to be confident in your ability to assess situations, read people, and make the right decision. When you ask her to explain what she has to offer, you are undermining yourself, your intellect, and your social awareness. No woman wants a man who is not capable of self-thought and has to rely on her to give him the answer. This is why that question feels so icky.

My husband never had to ask me what I brought to the table. Before he entered the dating pool it was on him to decide what the value of a wife is and if he even wanted one. Once he decided, he needed to determine what type of woman he wanted. Then finally, he had to find a lucky lady (me) who met that criterion. As the man, it was on him to get to know me and decide if I was the one for him. He didn’t need to put that big question onto my shoulders to answer.

I wouldn’t have a second date with a man who had to ask me what I bring to the table. Not because he had the audacity to ask, but because simply asking reveals a lack of confidence in himself and his ability to make decisions. However, I would indulge him by answering that question without bitterness or spite, not for his benefit, but because of my own character.

Both parties need to look at themselves objectively, vices and virtues, and know what they have to offer. There is always a vice that can be worked on and a virtue to be developed. Both parties also need to understand what they’re looking for so that neither falls into a singular buyer or seller role. You both want a loving, loyal spouse- you both want to be chosen by a loving, loyal spouse.

You should be able to happily and readily answer “What do you bring to the table?” but you shouldn’t have to, because that question shouldn’t have to be asked in the first place.